I'm in the Bay in the middle of my week here between New York and Paris. It's been a frenzy of doctors appointments, errands, family dinners and outings with friends since I got home. My grandmother asked me a couple days ago how I was feeling about all the stuff that's going on and I guess I really don't have a straightforward answer. I'm just taking things as they come. I'm also not sure how I feel about the fact that I don't have a lot of time to reflect right now about all the things going on in my life. I suppose I could make that time if I really wanted to, but for now, this feels right. Things are sort of wooshing past me and I'm trying to grab on and save as much substance from all these experiences as possible without forming attachments.
I'm realizing that I have two ways of dealing with things and they're ways that parallel the two ways that I found peace when I was on my Vision Quest. One way that I deal with things is to reflect on them, look at them from every angle and write about them until my emotions make sense. I filled a crazy amount of pages with musings when I was alone in Death Valley trying to make sense of all that I was going through. The other way is to take it all in and let it pass through me so that I may be unwavering and at peace regardless of what I face. Some of the meditations I did in the desert were like this, where I would close my eyes and say lists in my head in a stream of consciousness way about all of my senses without any judgment of them ("I feel the sun on my arms, I hear a bird chirping, I feel the wind on my eyelashes, I smell the dust of the desert, etc.). This latter way is how I'm dealing with all the changes I'm facing right now. I often get down on myself about not practicing meditation and mindfulness enough, but usually that's when I find it's been a while since I've journaled and reflected. In a way I see now that this second way is also a form of practice, if slightly less conscious. According to Buddhism, to be free from suffering, one must be free from attachment. In a way, that's what I am now. I'm not attaching myself to visions of my life in its past or potential future forms because I know that my life is constantly changing. I'm doing what I can to not look backward or ahead, but deal with each moment individually. Because of that, I am at least somewhat able to maintain a sense of balance and groundedness and not worry, plan or be overly nervous about what's to come.
That said, I will acknowledge some of the many things that I am feeling.
-It was really hard to leave New York because my life this summer so closely resembled the life that I want for myself always. I was independent in a wonderful job, surrounded by great people (for the most part...) and in my favorite place in the world. It sucks to not know when I'll be back. (I guess this is the attachment trap- I suffer because I have such an aversion to being removed from that city, in that lifestyle. Oh how the Buddhism is clicking...)
-It's nice to see friends and family here and have some sort of check in with my roots. Seeing my best friends and my family are always a good reminder of where I've been and why I'm doing the things I'm doing.
-For the first time I got excited about Paris the other day talking about the semester schedule with Hal. To a lot of people that sounds crazy, but the experience has been a long time coming with a lot of planning so it's been easy to only see logistics. I've also been living in the moment so much that I honestly hadn't thought too much beyond my time in New York and my time here in the Bay. In the same way, I can't even think about my semester in Madrid yet. One thing at a time.
As I've said, for now, I'm doing my best to live in the moment, at least as much as that's possible while I pack and determine all that I'll need for the next 3 and a half months.
3 days, 7 hours and 47 minutes until I leave for Paris. Woosh, woosh, woosh.
Love,
Anj
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